There is a genre of children's party, familiar in the better postcodes of every city, that costs 20,000 euros and leaves the birthday child in tears by four o'clock. Too many guests, too many entertainers, too much sugar, no structure, and a room of parents drinking while the children fight over the goodie bags. The alternative is not austerity. It is an idea, the right number of children and a timeline.
The numbers
Guests: the child's age plus one until eight, then whatever the venue holds but rarely more than fifteen. Length: ninety minutes for toddlers, two hours until six, three hours until twelve, then an evening. Helpers: one adult for every two children under four, one for every four until eight, one for every five thereafter, plus the entertainer or instructor. Budget: 500 to 5,000 euros buys an excellent party at any age; the Birthday Party Planner splits it into venue, food, activity, decoration, cake, bags and help.
The idea
One idea, done well, is the party. A treasure hunt with a hand-drawn map and a real wooden chest hidden in the garden. A den-building afternoon in the woods with a fire and marshmallows. A film made in an afternoon with costumes, a script and a premiere with popcorn. A mini Olympics with medals for everyone and one silly event. A bake-your-own-cake competition with an aproned chef. A sleepover for six with a midnight feast. Children do not need five activities; they need one they can get lost in.
The timeline
Arrival game for the first fifteen minutes while the guests trickle in. The main activity for forty-five minutes. Food at a long table, sitting down, with the birthday child at the head. The cake and the song. A short second activity or free play. Goodbye bags at the door, handed by the birthday child, who says thank you for coming to each guest. Two hours, done.
The food
Sandwiches, fruit, one hot thing, one sweet thing, water and juice. No buffet for children under ten; they eat standing up and nothing. The cake is the centrepiece and it is home-made or from a good baker, not sculpted into a castle. Adults are given coffee and sent away; a parents' party is a different event with a different budget.
The bags
One good thing rather than ten plastic ones: a book, a packet of seeds, a bar of chocolate, a small torch. Or nothing, which is increasingly the fashion at the best schools and a relief to every other parent.
The presents
Opened after the guests have gone, with a list kept for the thank-you letters, which the child writes within a week; see the thank-you note. Families who find the present pile embarrassing ask for books, or a contribution to a charity the child chose, or nothing at all. All three are acceptable on the invitation; none of them stops the grandparents.
The point
A children's party is a rehearsal for hosting. The child who greets the guests, sits at the head of the table, thanks everyone at the door and writes the letters has learned something they will use at every dinner they ever give. The bouncy castle teaches nothing except that the parents could afford it.
